PART FOUR

Welcome back to the Powertolove podcast. This is part four of the love word series. And we're going to pick up where we left off from part three with putting together your second feeling message.

Now remember, you want to be in your feelings. In this moment, finding your truth and putting your feelings together from there and remember the stewing pot.  There's always a mixture of feelings going on.

By now you should have a list of feeling words. Together, even if it's a small list, this exercise is where you want to start putting that to practice to actually start testing those words out.

Now, we left off in part three with putting together a script.

And you did a script of your good feelings. And you gave a feeling message about something positive, something you felt good for that day at some point.

Remember, the whole point of scripting the feeling message for this exercise was how to approach a problem that you want to discuss with him.

So let's continue the scenario from part three.

You're upset with him about something he didn't do.

You created your first feeling message about a good feeling from that day.

Now, let's, let's start working on putting together the next steps to sharing feeling messages to address the problem.

And we're going to talk about the not so good feelings.

What do you do with those? And more importantly, How do you script those? How do you even come up with the words? What words do you use to express something, a feeling that's not good?

Well, I can't give you a list and I can't tell you what words to use, but let's go through what not to do.

The first thing you don't want to do is to characterize the problem.

Instead, you want to express your feeling.

So, what do I mean? I was using the example where he said something at the movies. And I was still feeling a little some kind of way about it and I just gave him enough facts for the context that what I'm talking about is what happened at the movies and you said something.  That's it. I didn't want to go any further with characterizing what the problem is.

Then, the next step is to stay in the present moment.

Don't snap back to the past or to the prior thing that happened.

Don't go remembering things because as soon as you start focusing on those facts, your feelings will follow.

Stay in the present moment. Stay connected to your feelings. And if (or when) your mind pops into thinking of the future, or slips back into remembering the past, take a few deep breaths.

Practice it. Take a deep breath. Bring your awareness to your mixture of feelings in that moment, this moment right now, and then inhale. Bring your awareness to the mixture of feelings again to this moment, and exhale. There you go. Repeat as needed.

This will keep you from characterizing the situation instead of expressing your feelings, or focusing on the future or the past. You have to stay in the present moment.

The next thing is, you know the facts about whatever the issue is and whatever you want to speak to him about.

You know the facts so there's no need to reiterate that. There's no need for him to understand the facts what he needs to understand Is how you feel. That's what's most important.

I know that doesn't make sense, but trust me, men hear a certain way and once you start talking, all he hears is whatever stinging, biting, smashing, crashing thing you said.  He remembers that and then He just tunes out the rest. We all do it.

I hear the first thing you're saying after that, I don't hear anything else you say. Because you came at me wrong.

Anyway, knowing that you know the facts, that's okay. You don't need To make him understand the facts.

What you need to express are your feelings, and just enough context that he knows what you're talking about.

Make it brief and sweet, just like I did in the example from part three. I said "I'm feeling a little confused about what you said at the movies the other night." Boom. That's it. Nothing else. I'm not throwing in any more facts. I gave him who, what, when, where. That was sufficient.

The next part is don't shut down or put up a wall between the two of you and don't make him wrong.

I'll put a link to a post on don't make him wrong. It's so important. And it's a precursor to don't push him away.

And you want to remember the Don't Do List. If you haven't seen the don't do list or you haven't started practicing with it, I'm going to go through it quickly.

But more importantly, for this exercise, I want you to think of the Don't Do List and look at your love words.  The Don't Do List is how not to use your words.

Alright, let's take it from that point.

So, the first is don't try to control him.

Then it's don't try to control the situation or the outcome.

And I have a few new ones. I'm going to throw one or two of them in here. The first one is don't explain. When you find yourself getting explainy, stop. Don't explain.

The next one is don't criticize him.

Don't advise him unless he asks.

Don't judge him.

Don't warn him.

Don't coax him.

Don't make suggestions to him.

Don't complain.

Don't pry.

Don't use the word you when you're talking about something negative. I find that one to be very helpful.

And if he says no, accept that as his answer for now. There's a whole process after that.

Now, I know I just gave you a lot of information, but the Don't Do List is crucial when we're putting together feeling messages.

I know you're like, "I was just telling him my feelings."

Yeah, but how did you come at him?

This is the whole objective of feeling messages and speaking to him in this manner . . . so that he hears you.

That's why we focus on the feelings because what he must hear is how you felt. Because you're coming across to him as a feeling person.

Yes, there are thoughts going on, but what drives you are your feelings.

You have control over your feelings, you have an understanding and awareness of your feelings.  You're a feeling based creature and it's because of those feelings that he feels too.

So, I think what you feel is kind of urgent. It's all how you come across to him.

Let's say you've said your feeling message. You've gotten it out. You've expressed it to him.

Then we just put a question at the end.

"What do you think?"

"Is there something I should know?"

Or "what can we do to fix this?"

You can tweak these however you want, but I want you to get the idea.

You don't just say your feeling message and leave it out there.

You always close it out with a question.

These are questions that Rory Ray actually coaches. When she does her feeling message. She has a whole program on scripting.

It's

What do you think?

Is there something I should know? Or what can we do to fix this?

You can come up with your own questions. But these are to give you an idea of how you're putting a pin in it so that now he has the floor. He has something to say. Or not. You know, and you deal with it from there. Whether he doesn't have anything to say, or he doesn't want to discuss it.

And if he doesn't want to discuss it at that moment, you could say, "Okay, well, what would be a good time so that we could discuss it?"

If he doesn't want to discuss it, then I'll put links down in the show notes. There are things to do. All of this is in the academy. I'm just trying to, I'm trying to give a refresher for the Academy clients and to bring it all together into what this process looks like and what the pieces of the process are in putting together a feeling message about an issue you want to address. What are all those pieces? What are the moving parts and why are we doing it this way?

So, let's go back to my example. He said something at the movies that I felt some kind of way about. I'm feeling a little confused about it.  It's not what he said. It's how I felt and I don't want to make him wrong.

I don't want to push him away. I'm not trying to make a big deal out of it. I think within my heart, if I do a little deep diving, I think within my heart, I want him to know that I got mixed signals. And more than getting mixed signals, I felt confused. I thought he felt a certain way about something and this sounded completely different.

Maybe I'm being a little touchy or overwhelmed or emotional. I don't know. But I felt some kind of way. And here's the issue: The feeling's not going away and my mind keeps replaying it.

Now this is what's going on inside of me. I'm not necessarily going to explain that to him. But this is what's going on in my mind.

I keep going back to that moment. I keep replaying that moment.

So, rather than say to him "Oh, you said this this this this and that!"

What do you think? He's going to shut down right there. He's going to feel attacked.

What if I'm wrong? Think about it. What if I'm wrong and I'm coming at him that way?

So, that's not the way to do it.

Instead,  I'll say something like, "You know, it was so cool hanging out at the movies. I really enjoyed it. The movie was great. And when you made the comment about the couple in front of us, it just felt weird to me. I, I feel confused."

"I didn't get that. And what do you think?"

Now, honest answer, he told me I misinterpreted and he didn't mean it at all. He wasn't even talking about the people in front of us.

Whoa, was I off or was I off?

And all I said was, "Wow, thank you. I'm so glad I asked you about that."

And I think he told me to lighten up.

My point is, is the dialogue continued. There were no hurt feelings.

He was just sitting there shaking his head looking at me. Which is funny.

But do you see, I, I kept my solidness. I expressed my feelings and there was no attack on him. I was still keeping it light. I was still referring to good feelings within me.

I got to the truth. I never said what he said. I just said "the comment that you made about the couple sitting in front of us." Guess what? I still don't know who he was talking about.

And honestly, I felt embarrassed. And I'm like, "why would he embarrass me like that?"

So I'm telling you what was really going on in my mind, I popped back up into my head. I'm telling you what happened in my mind, but that's not how the feeling message and the script went.

And everything worked out fine. I'm cool. I really didn't want to delve into it anymore. I wanted to relieve myself of that feeling. Because my mind, my focus and my beliefs kept dragging me back into it.

Do you see how it was my issue and not his?

So I'm going to stop here and let you practice this.

I gave you a very personal example, but the most important thing is at this point, you need to be adding more words to your love words List.

It's okay to put in words that express negative feelings or words that express not so good situations.

It's okay. It doesn't all have to be flowery and pretty and beautiful.

You can have some different toned words in there, but just go through the parameters and the boundaries that I gave you in this podcast.

 

Ciao