Getting Your Needs Met

How to avoid the anger, disappointment and feelings of blame that your needs are not met.
unsatisfied-woman

Do you get the feeling of unhappiness or dissatisfaction with your life/relationship?

Do you feel that your life isn’t headed in the direction that you thought it should be?

Are you blaming a man, family member, yourself or a circumstance for your lack of happiness or the inability to attain what you desire?

If so, then this exercise is for you.

The answer is in understanding your NEEDS.

 

Knowing Your Needs

WANTS v. NEEDS LIST

(you’ll need 1 page to write/type on):

Let’s get a better understanding between what you want and what you need

needs

Think of what would make you happy right now, at this very minute.

⇒ Draw three columns on a page.

Write down at least 5 things that would make you happy right now in the first column.

 

In the middle column, write down whether each item is a need or a want .

If you can’t decide, then ask yourself what limits you from having the item you’re undecided about . . .

If the limitation is within your control, then list the item as a “want” in the middle column.

If the limitation is beyond your control, then leave the middle column blank.

 

Now in the third column, write down whether each item is something you can live without or if it’s something you absolutely must have in your life. 

MORE THAN LIKELY, EACH ITEM THAT MAKES YOU HAPPY & IS SOMETHING YOU CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT IS A NEED.

Now that we can see that there’s a difference between wanting something in our lives and needing something in our lives, let’s take a closer look at our needs.

PERSONAL NEEDS LIST

(you’ll need 4 pages to write/type on):

needs-300x200

 

Think about two separate days in your life, a great day, and a challenging day.

Thoroughly consider each day, from the time you wake up until the time you go back to sleep.

 

Think about what transpired during your challenging day and list ⇒ ON THE FIRST PAGE the things that you want to happen differently.  

 

⇒ ON A SECOND PAGE, list what actually happened on your great day that made you happy.

Identify which of the actual events on the second page are needs (meaning you absolutely cannot live without it happening).

 

Now compare the first page to the second page.

Do any wants on the first page appear as needs on the second page? If so, then circle them.

Do any wants on the first page NOT appear on the second page? If so, have you ever experienced any of the un-circled wants in your lifetime?  If so, then circle them.

 

Now, choose only one un-circled want from the first page. 

⇒ ON A THIRD PAGE, write down this un-circled want and why you haven’t experienced?  Is the reason beyond your control?  Can you live without this want or is it something you must absolutely have in your life?  You can repeat this step with one circled want from the first page that does not appear on the second page – Why haven’t you experienced this recently?  Is the reason beyond your control?  Can you live without this want or is it something you must absolutely have in your life? 

⇒ ON A FOURTH PAGE, list the needs from the second page (remember, the events that you absolutely cannot live without). 

The fourth page is your Personal Needs List.

 

YOUR RELATIONSHIP NEEDS LIST

(you’ll need 3 pages to write/type on)

needs man and woman sign

 ⇒ ON THE FIRST PAGE, make a list of what you believe you need in a relationship.

In reviewing this first page, did you generalize your relationship needs (love, attention, romance, communication, time)?  How can you be more specific about your needs in a relationship? (hint, use a lot of details!)  Adjust or add to this list with your more detailed descriptions of what you need in a relationship.

 

Now, ⇒ ON THE SECOND PAGE, make a list of what you believe a man should do for you in a relationship.

If your list reads like a dating site checklist, then add specific details of what you want to experience with a man in a relationship that would make you happy.

 

Look over the first and second pages and circle the items that you’ve ever experienced in a relationship. Don’t worry if you did not circle anything.

 

⇒ ON A THIRD PAGE, make a list of things you’ve ever experienced in any relationship that made you happy and the characteristics in a man that you’ve actually experienced in a relationship that made you happy.  Now include those circled items from the first and second pages.  The third page is the beginning of your Relationship Needs List.

Review the items on the first and second pages that you did not circle.

Which item would you remove from the third page in order to include this want?

If you would not sacrifice any item from the third page for this want, then it is most likely NOT a relationship need.

Are you starting to notice a theme of needs in the lists you’ve made in these three exercises?

 NEEDS EXERCISE VIDEO GUIDE

GETTING YOUR NEEDS MET

 

Now that you have a better idea about what your needs are, let’s consider how you can get these needs met going forward.

There are three ways to get your relationship needs met:

(1) You can do things yourself to meet your needs,

(2) You can rely on one person to meet your needs, and

(3) You can get your needs met by collaborating with other people. 

The key is to have a balance and not to try to get all of your needs met from just one category.

How you manage this balance is the key to leaning back and having the kind of life/love you want.

 

EXPRESSING YOUR NEEDS

needs list

If I were to try to explain my needs to someone, it would likely be quite wordy.  That is why I created the above image to summarize my personal needs – the things I absolutely cannot live without!

I know it intimately and I’m able to easily share it in conversation or in writing.

So, look at your Relationship Needs List.  How do you feel about Communicating these needs?

Does the idea of expressing your needs to another person scare you?

Would you consider omitting the need rather than communicating it?

 

I encourage you to OPEN UP and communicate what you truly need in your relationship!

We can go even deeper into your Relationship Needs List and practice (role play) communicating your needs during a coaching session, click here to schedule. 

or join the ACADEMY for an online webinar coaching experience

 

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2 Comments

  1. Sami Wunder on August 20, 2015 at 6:48 am

    Tatia, you are such a great coach ! I would love to introduce such clarity in my coaching sessions too. Thank you for the inspiration! Love, Sami

    • Tatia on August 20, 2015 at 9:07 pm

      Awwwww, thank you so much Sami!
      I felt so wonderful reading your comment!
      And you know I’m one of your biggest fans 😀
      I love your videos, blog posts and your facebook stuff too!

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