Is This The Friend Zone?

Feminine energy woman in the Friend zone

A subscriber cools off a hot and heavy date who later says “let’s just be friends.”  

Coachtatia this is my current situation

Me and “B” met at an after work bar party.  

Leaning back worked and he asked for my number and asked me out to dinner two weeks later.  

We had a nice date and he asked me out again.  

Like clockwork, he asked me out every other week and this goes on for 4 months.

I stopped going out on dates with other men and just started the circular date stuff out in the world like you talk about.  

One night he started kissing me and things got hot and heavy and he was very aroused where I could see and I knew I wanted more but I felt confused and stopped him with a feeling message that I felt confused when he started taking my panties off.  

I was feeling like I did not have enough control over him and that he can not have sex with me if I do not have control over him and I know that is an old pattern I have and I am sorry I did not follow my desire and let him make love to me.  

The next day he called and said let’s just be friends for now and I said okay.  

All of that was 2 months ago and we talk almost everyday but have been out on a date only once and there was no kissing or touching at all and I feel like this is the friend zone everyone talks about.  

I saw him last night at the same after work bar where we met and he was with his friends and I thought he might see me but then he was talking to a woman and I saw her hand him a card and he took out his phone and then she picked up her phone smiling.  

I was angry and wanted to say something to him and then I realized he must be horny and just needs to get his dick wet and this lady seemed like there would be no long wait since he was putting his hands on her thigh almost under her very short skirt for everyone to see.  

I do not know if he saw me there since he did not take his eyes off of her but he text me late that night that he was home asking how was my day and if I want to go out on the weekend.  

I am trying not to stay in my head but all I can think about is that he slept with that woman because he always calls to talk and this was much later than he ever called and did not even call me but text me instead.  

I had so many feelings going on that I just text him back ‘okay’ because I want to see him and hang out and I feel some jealousy but I do not want to push myself on him and I do not want to tell him I saw him.

I feel like it is my fault if he is horny and that feels bad to blame myself and worry about what he thinks and what he feels but I can not stop this stuff in my head and in my heart.

I keep thinking about him and wanting to talk to him and to see him because we do not go out as much now since we are just being friends but we talk almost every day and I dream about the night we were almost together.

I want to keep leaning back and start dating other men now and just let things happen if they do, but in my heart I still feel my desire for him and I feel that the thing between us is not over.  

What do I do and how do I lean back with him while letting him know I am attracted to him?

M

 

Dear M:

You’ve done a great job of handling this situation in a very leaning back way!

And I totally get that you experienced deep and unfamiliar feelings that triggered an old pattern when he wanted to be intimate with you . . .

Processing your feelings from that evening is a good idea (and you might want to use them in a feeling message to share with him one day).

While he said “let’s just be friends for now,” it’s still not 100% clear to me that you’re in the “Friend Zone.”

getting out of The friend zone as a feminine energy woman

The Friend Zone normally involves a one-sided attraction or pursuit.

“The friend zone, in popular culture, refers to a platonic relationship wherein one person, most commonly a man, wishes to enter into a romantic or sexual relationship, while the other does not. It is generally considered to be an undesirable or dreaded situation by the lovelorn person. If a desired party does not return or respond affirmatively to the advances or affection of the desiring party, but continues to participate in the friendship in a platonic way, it is sometimes described as friend-zoning. In a related sense of the term, friend zone can describe a “commitment mismatch”, such as when two people are sexually involved, but in which one person wants a committed relationship such as being a boyfriend or girlfriend, while the other does not.” Wikipedia

“The friend zone occurs in relationships where both individuals’ emotional needs are not getting met. Someone is not getting what they want and need. Because all good relationships are built from a mutually-satisfying social exchange and trade . . . friend zone situations ultimately don’t feel very good.”  The Attraction Doctor

feminine woman circular dating to avoid the friend zone

I can understand why you believe you’re in the “Friend Zone” since you’re feeling different about being intimate with him than you were on that hot and heavy night.  Also, it’s understandable that you feel that your need to get closer is not being met.

I get that he stopped asking for dates as frequently as he did before.

I get that you feel like he’s cooled off since that hot and heavy night.

And I get that he said “let’s just be friends for now” and didn’t make any further intimate advances . . .

 

friend-zone-warning for feminine energy women

But I wouldn’t be so quick to box myself into the “Friend Zone” because based on what you wrote in your email, it also seems like

  • You’re both still attracted to each other
  • You’re leaning back
  • He cooled down only after you shut down his sexual advances (read male ego here) and
  • He may still want to date you because he’s taken you out since that night and asked you out yet again tonight.

 

Feminine energy woman leaning back

Rather than a “Friend Zone” issue, I see this more as a ‘leaning forward‘ and ‘repeating old masculine patterns’ situation.

And you’re doing the right thing by leaning back, even after seeing him in the bar interacting with another woman in a provocative manner.

Always remember that you can’t change or control another person.  You can only change and control yourself.

In this situation it’s about reestablishing the energy connection between you and “B” and observing whether or not he’s going to move towards you to close in the distance, or whether he’s leaving the energy connection bubble altogether.

Rather than control a man, you can only influence him, and you do that by leaning back and being warm and inviting to him whenever he approaches or makes contact with you.

Now we could “go there” and try and get into his head:

  • maybe he thinks you’re not attracted to him
  • maybe he’s horny
  • maybe he’s into flirting with women when he’s horny and
  • maybe he slept with that woman (or didn’t) and regardless, he thought about you and then text you.

BUT LET’S NOT LEAN FORWARD – ENOUGH ABOUT HIM!

Let’s keep the focus on you and how you can stay leaning back:

  • (1) make a list of what you truly want in a relationship
  • (2) remain open to the idea of receiving what you want from any man (not just this one man)
  • (3) don’t beat yourself up for feeling out-of-sorts about having sex with him
  • (4) realize that your happiness doesn’t depend on this one man and
  • (5) don’t lose touch with your honest feelings when you’re with him.

Feminine woman lean back into your sexy

Leaning back at a time like this means remembering you’re a siren, a queen, a diva, a goddess!

It means treating yourself good.

It means preparing nutritious and healthy food.

It means getting a little extra beauty sleep.

It means exercising more.

It means revisiting your List Of Things You Enjoy.

It means discovering and exploring Your Passions in life.

It means knowing and honoring your needs.

This is all to fill your time away from him with YOU.

 

Your Rotation Of Men

understanding men circular dating for feminine energy women

M, it’s okay to see him,
spend time with him and
even sleep with him if that’s
what you honestly feel like doing.

Whatever you do,
please don’t stay stuck in your head
thinking you’re in the “Friend Zone”
because that concept will KEEP you
in your head (leaning forward) and
will cause you to act from your thoughts
rather than your feelings.

 

The key to understanding this is getting familiar with the process of INTERACTING WITH MEN.

Rotation of men circular dating circle of interaction

Since “B” has continued to ask you for dates, he’s in the rotation of men that you interact with.

Note:  While you’re interacting with men out in the world, how about noticing the men who are noticing you and are interested in you. You don’t have to do anything more than notice them and perhaps smile at them – and don’t be surprised if different men start approaching you!

Interacting with men is how your Rotation gets started.  

A man in your rotation is any man:

Who is Noticing You,
Who is Interested in and Communicating with You, 
Who is Spending Time with You, and
Who You may be Intimately Involved with.

feminine energy woman center of attention circular datingSo you see, ANY man who is noticing you, interested in you, spending time with you or intimate with you is in your Rotation of Men.

Every woman interacts with men on a daily basis!

Also, we all have men who are interested in us even though we may be involved with someone else.

The most important part about your Rotation of Men is about being open to receive the attention of different men, at the level you’re comfortable with.

The point is, YOU get to decide what level of interaction to have with any man in  your Rotation.

 

Your Current Situation

As far as any future interaction with “B”
I’d suggest that you prepare a script of feeling messages
so that the next time you find yourself slipping into an old pattern
you can stay in touch with your feelings enough to process them on the spot
and delve deeper into what you’re feeling without shutting down in fear.

stay in your feelings in leaning back relationship

REMEMBER, it’s natural for triggers to happen and to conjure up old masculine patterns.  The trick is knowing how to stay open and speak your truth to him even though you’re shaking, nervous and feeling out of control.

M, my dear, you’ve handled this situation wonderfully and I applaud you!

Here are some more suggestions for you to consider:

  • Practice not closing yourself off to him when he gets close
  • Practice not closing yourself off to other men being able to approach you, and
  • Practice processing your feelings on the spot.

When you close yourself off you prevent yourself from experiencing any man’s attempts to step up and treat you the way you truly want to be treated.

So what I’m saying is that you can open up and allow closeness between you and “B” while still leaving your options open!  The idea is to allow “B” (or any man) to step up and show you he’s seriously interested in the kind of relationship and love that you truly want. It could be “B” or someone else . . . so keep your options open!

WHAT IF YOU’RE EVER IN THE FRIEND ZONE?

Now, if I felt that you were actually in the “Friend Zone” (which I don’t),  
then I’d want you to ask yourself these questions:

  • Are you feeling that you’re settling?
  • Are you feeling that you’re selling yourself short?
  • Are you feeling stuck?
  • Are you feeling that you’re being used?
  • Are you in an imaginary relationship?

If you answered “Yes” to at least two of these questions, then

STOP being available to him.
STOP the contact.
STOP responding.
STOP being exclusive.

Feminine woman no-friend-zone

Just let go.

Accept that it’s his loss.

You can’t control a man, you can only control yourself.

You can’t make him want you or love you.

Move forward with your life and let him catch up if he wants to (if he can).

He may call and ask why you’ve stopped taking his calls, and you can prepare a script to let him know that you feel like you’re not on the same page.

You can use feeling messages to let him know what you’re looking for in a relationship and that just being friends isn’t what you’re looking for.

Learn more about feeling messages, scripting and dealing with men at the ACADEMY, a private online webinar coaching series

circular dating academy for feminine energy women

 

Love,

Tatia

 
 

 
 
 


 

 

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