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A Leaning Back Tip for When You're Upset

"I Don't Obsess Over A Man"
(I know that's what you're thinking.)

Well, let's go beyond the word . . .

Do You Long For Him?
Do You Think About Him A Lot?
Do You Want To Hear From Him?
("Him" could be any man, even one you wish to meet.)

 

Obsession is often defined as:
the domination of one's thoughts or feelings by a
persistent idea, image, desire, etc."

Look at it this way - Your thoughts and feelings about him (or your situation with him) are intense right? Isn't that the very definition of longing?

Truth is, longing for a man (persistent desire),
thinking about him a lot (domination of one's thoughts) wanting to hear from him (persistent idea)
and even missing him (domination of feelings)
is your masculine energy at work.

It's masculine because you're focusing on him rather than focusing on yourself.

But, more importantly, it's the added intensity to these thoughts that creates "obsession" (and men sense this type of intensity quickly).

Your intensity makes him feel nervous and smothered. He responds like a deer in headlights. Suddenly, he wants space and starts to pull away. He feels the heat of your focus on him and wants to bolt!

This can easily turn into a situation where you feel confused, rejected, pushed aside, ignored or hurt . . . which only makes you feel more intense.

So, even if you disagree with me that it's obsession,
the undeniable fact is that focusing on a man,
wanting him to call, thinking about him or longing for him are all leaning forward. It's leaning forward in thought.

Since leaning forward is masculine, let's reverse this phenomenon and get your moving in the right direction - leaning back into your feminine energy! Let's re-direct that intensity away from him and towards yourself where it belongs!

We're going to explore how to stop leaning forward by focusing your thoughts on a man, avoid obsessing over him and turn it all around by leaning back so that the focus is on you instead.

INTENSITY

Are you so focused on what you want that you're thoughts are consumed by them?

Then you're leaning forward in your thoughts.

This feels like thinking about him more and more.

This feels like he's stuck in your head (thoughts).

It starts by wanting to see him more, hear from him more or be with him more.

When it seems that these intense feelings are not shared by him, then you're feeling even more intense.

You feel frustration, and maybe even anger or desperation.

This feels awful.

So let's change this right now!

Let's get him out of your head.

Let's shift your thoughts back to you and the things that make you happy.

Let's take this intensity off of him and use it to draw him in closer (or maybe even draw in a man who feels intensely about you) instead.

Remember, you're the prize and a man should have these intense feelings for you. This is how it's meant to work. You're his obsession!

FIRST: WIDEN YOUR VIEW

See beyond your relationship.

Take the urge of wanting him to do or be what you want.

When he's not there with you face to face, don't focus on him or your relationship.

Shift your focus to yourself and the things you enjoy.

NEXT: RECEIVE AND RESPOND

Get Sensually into each moment you are with him.

Experience your femininity in his presence.

Allow him to give, share and connect with you.

This is about your receiving and responding (not initiating, controlling or directing).

THEN: USE FEELING WORDS

Speak your good feelings to him.

Express what he does that feels good to you.

Let him know you appreciate that he makes you feel that way.

ARE YOU GETTING THE IDEA?

When not with you, you're enjoying yourself.

When he's with you, you're enjoying his attention and responding with warmth and good feeling words.

 

Are you unhappy in your current love situation?
Do you seem to pick the same type of man?
Do you have many first dates but rarely get second dates?
Then consider asking yourself this soul-baring question . . .

Why Did I Choose Him?

 

WAS IT HIS TAKE-CHARGE ATTITUDE (NOW DOMINATION)?

 

 

HIS MELLOWNESS? (NOW ROMANTIC DISINTEREST)

 

 

HIS STRONG ATTRACTRACTION TO YOU? (NOW IT'S STIL JUST SEX)

 

 

HIS OUTGOING NATURE? (NOW DISAPPEARING or PULLING AWAY)

 

 

HIS STRONG SILENT NATURE? (NOW BAD COMMUNICATION)

 

 

HIS WANTING YOU TO TAKE THE LEAD? (NOW CODEPENDANCY)

 

 

HIS LOVING TO PARTY? (NOW ALCOHOL OR SUBSTANCE ISSUES)

 

 

HIS POSSESSIVENESS? (NOW SIGNS OF ABUSIVENESS)

 

Whether you habitually attract this kind of man

or if it's sometimes a case of bate and switch,

the truth is

that even if you didn't

knowingly "pick" the situation,

you accepted him and his ways.

 

I believe this is more of an issue of self-awareness than having a broken man-picker.

I'm talking about awareness of the kind of love you want and awareness of what makes you happy.

It's the lack of this awareness that causes a woman to accept a man who's wrong for her.

 

HOW TO FIX THIS . . .

PAUSE

Let me walk you through this exercise . . .

1.  PAUSE.

Stop everything you're doing in your relationship.

Rather than focus on the future or rehash the past,
Exist in the present moment and focus only on yourself.

What do you feel right now?

Are you
Sad
Confused
Mad
Unhappy
or something else?

 

Now, without thinking about him (or including him in the answer), Ask yourself
WHAT WOULD MAKE ME HAPPY?
Am I satisfied?
What do I truly want to experience in a relationship?

 

Now, staying in this moment, ask yourself
WHAT AM I ACCEPTING FROM THIS MAN THAT MAKES ME UNHAPPY?
Is this what I honestly want in a relationship?
Why have I been accepting this behavior?

 

Your answers may be all over the place and coming from different directions.
That's okay.

Finally, in this moment, I'd like you to focus on just one word . . .
SATISFACTION

Are you satisfied with yourself?

Are you satisfied with your life?

Why not?

When you're satisfied with yourself,
you're not relying on a relationship to make you happy.
Instead, you're enjoying the happiness that a relationship brings you.

So in accepting this man and his style of love, perhaps you were seeking satisfaction in some kind of way?

Okay, let's turn that around NOW.

 

 

2. Change

Now that we understand that satisfaction is an issue, let's change our personal love story.
Re-write how you want your love life to be.
What do you want to feel?
How do you want to be treated?
You deserve to be happy.
You deserve to be treated in a way that feels good to you.
Commit to yourself, what satisfies you and accept nothing less.
(You'll be tempted to think into the future, but don't, stay present in this moment.)

 

3. Self Love First

Do you treat yourself like a person you're totally in love with?
Do you take the time to care for your body, heart and soul?
Are you totally committed to yourself?
Do you love yourself and show it?

 

4. Know Your Relationship Needs

Write down what you need in a relationship.
Now read this list over to yourself.
Do the items on this list make you feel good?
Are you willing to stick to this list and not settle for less?
Are you dedicated enough to speak up and share what your needs are with your partner?

 

5. Do what you love

Sometimes we get so consumed with our relationship that we forget about the other parts of our lives.
Our lives become lop-sided and out of balance because so much energy goes into interacting with a man.
What about the other things you enjoy in life?
When was the last time you've done something that you LOVE doing?
Plan to do something that you love doing in the next 24 hours.

 

6. Focus on you

This is all about ME TIME.
Unplug for an hour or two.
Push all of the thinking and doing aside for just a little while.
Spend some time pampering yourself.
And make this a weekly (or daily) habit, just for an hour or two.

 

7. Feel your feelings

Go deep on this one.
Be honest with yourself about what you feel.
See if you can notice what part of your body is tightening up or aching because of this feeling.
Loosen up that part of your body.
Now, go back to the emotions you're feeling at this very moment.
Write them down - even if you feel "nothing" (like numb).
Do this exercise daily.

 

8. Get out of your head and feel before you speak

So often we speak from our thoughts, suspicions and self-imposed scenarios.
Using the feelings from the prior exercise, try saying what you FEEL rather than what you think.
It's okay to say "I feel ______" or "I felt _______."
Practice this daily.

 

9. Speak your feelings

This is taking the prior exercise to the next level.
Speaking your feelings is sharing your feminine on a more regular basis.
It's also being 100% in touch with your feminine.
You'll learn so much more about your truth when you practice speaking your feelings.
Give it a try.

 

10. Let go of the outcome

Here's a major part of changing what you accept from a man.
Avoid anticipating and expecting ANYTHING from him.
Lean back and observe his actions.
Let him move the relationship along and see how what he does (or doesn't do) feels to you.
Then ask yourself
"Is this feeling what I want?"
"Is this how I want to be treated?"
"Is this the kind of Love I want to feel?"
If any of your answers to these questions is in the negative, then ask yourself
"WHY AM I ACCEPTING THIS?"

 

11. Stay Positive

Speaking of negative . . . avoid it.
Find what feeds you positive energy and experience it more.
Avoid what exposes you to the negative.
This practice goes a long way in helping you stay in your feminine energy.

 

 

NOW LET'S TALK ABOUT HIM BRIEFLY

The purpose of the above exercises is not necessarily to kick him to the curb.

You have some soul searching to do with all the questions and practices I've given you.

When you pause, and practice all of the steps above, You're creating a safe space.

 

This is a safe space for both you and him!

You're stopping the "doing" and "thinking" and "pining" in the relationship.

You're not judging him or blaming him.

Instead, you're going within yourself to discover your honest wants and desires.

You're reclaiming your individuality from the relationship.

You're embracing your deliciousness as a woman and realizing that you're not stuck in this situation.

Your life is not stuck in this situation.

 

And the best part is that you can still show him tenderness (this is complete feminine energy at work).

Appreciate what he does for you that makes you feel good.

Share that with him.

Speak your feminine.

Speak your feelings to him.

Share your true feelings with him,

and then PAUSE, starting the above exercises again.

 

 

allow connection

"What Did I Do Wrong?"

How you speak and express your feelings (or not) can have a lasting impact on your connection with a man.

 

Connection won't happen if he's defensive.

And a man can be very defensive.

 

All he hears is "I'm wrong."

He also feels "I can't ever make her happy."

If those two thoughts have any bruising effect on his ego, then it's possible that he will withdraw from the connection with you.

 

All of this over a poorly expressed feeling or minor issue.

You can avoid making a man wrong by taking a different approach in the way you speak to him.

 

Rather than think about his ego, his feelings or his perception,

just ask yourself whether you're speaking and acting from your feminine.

Stop.

Lean back.

PAUSE.

 

 

Wouldn't it be nice if you could avoid pushing a man away when you're not happy?

To be able to draw him close while still expressing that you don't feel good?

Even if he's the cause of your not so good feelings?

Well you can!

Even though arguments happen and people make mistakes, these situations don't have to get in the way of love and connection!

The way to avoid ruining your love connection when you're not happy with him (or a situation) is to take a different approach . . . to shift your perspective to a deeper feminine view.

When you're in your masculine, you're in your head.

Being in your head is thinking thinking and more thinking.

But being in your feminine is about FEELING. So it's not about what you're thinking, but instead, focusing on what you're feeling in response to what was said, what was done, or what happened.

This is about responding with your feeling so that you avoid voicing what you're thinking.

Responding from your feelings would look like: "I don't like feeling this way."

HOWEVER, be careful not to complain.

"Don't Complain" is one of the major items on the Don't Do List .
A man hears your complaints as "she thinks I'm wrong," and complaints can quickly trigger his ego.

No matter how you dress it up . . .
Griping
Whining
Kvetching
. . . complaining is voicing or showing your dissatisfaction (it's not venting) .

A man doesn't hear your complaints as "she feels bad."
He hears "I can't make her happy" or "Nothing can make her happy."

Sometimes this can make him feel insufficient.

If you complaint a lot,
he interprets it as meaning
he's unable to make you happy
or meet your needs.

SO HOW DO YOU AVOID COMPLAINING WHEN SOMETHING IS TRULY BOTHERING YOU?

A complaint actually comes from your negative voice.

Rather than voice it, it's more helpful to process the underlying feelings and then share your feelings with him rather than a complaint.

This also means not thinking "complaint."
Don't even give energy to that thought.
Look to the feeling of what is bothering you.

If something he said or did (or didn't do) has upset you, boil it down to your most basic feeling - sad, mad, glad, etc. Then, rather than think "I'm mad at him," go even deeper into your negative thoughts and find the corresponding feeling and what triggered it.

For example, if you suspect he was talking to his ex on the phone lately and you notice that he turned his phone off and put it away, rather than complaining about him and his ex, or his phone being off, if you absolutely MUST say something, you can say
"I feel so annoyed right now."

This way, your focus on what's going on inside of you and you're expressing something personal rather than something outside of you.

This is not an easy topic to handle. It takes some effort and soul searching. If you've been in the habit of complaining and you notice that your man is starting to pull away or distance himself from you, then this is a pattern you may want to explore more deeply and work on.

 

he listens

He's not perfect.

He's human.

And he's totally into you.

You like him.

You enjoy the attention.

You know he's a great person.

But somewhere in your head you hear "he's just not it."

Young couple in cafe, woman ignoring man

Are you ready to change this pattern?

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Start by admitting that you keep thinking, Thinking, THINKING . . .

"He's not ______ enough."

"He's too ______."

"If only he wouldn't _______."

"If only he could _______."

rounds

Whether you realize it it or not, you're repeating a masculine leaning forward pattern.

And soon, this pattern may likely push him away.

He'll eventually accept your vibe that he's just not "it" . . .

And so will the next good guy.

break-the-habit1

IT'S TIME TO BREAK THIS PATTERN!

Whether  he's the one or not.

You deserve to experience the benefits of leaning back with a good man.

being triggered 9

THE GOOD TYPE

He's likely to ask questions to understand you better (and remembers your answers)

  • he has manners and may strive to be a gentleman
  • he believes in your goals, inspires and supports you
  • he has goals of his own, a decent work ethic as well as a purpose in his life
  • he's not abusive or rude
  • he's emotionally mature, meaning he works through his problems and doesn't let situations overcome or define him . . .

But remember . . . he's still human.

Male bodybuilder posing

Leaning back with a good man allows you to seek the depths of your feminine power.

He's the right kind of man to share the richest warmest feeling you can reach within yourself.

It can be reeling, but it's totally worth it.

emotional attraction2

The key is keeping your expectations in check!

You can never reach the heights of feminine power  until you experience totally leaning back.

This means letting go of your hidden masculine responses.

It means letting go of your fixed ideas of relationship.

Letting go of your preconceived notion of the perfect man.

It means allowing a man to be human.

 

First things First:

let him contact you

DON'T CRITICIZE HIM

It's easy to do.

When he does something wrong.

You're angry.

You're disappointed.

You're all in your head.

Try taking a different approach.

Take an approach of acceptance.

Accept him as he is, with all his flaws.

 

Secondly . . .

rubberbanding

DON'T JUDGE HIM

He is entitled to be who and how he is.

Accept him.

Whatever is welling up in your head is all about YOU.

It's your stuff, not his.

There's something icky going on INSIDE OF YOU.

See this trigger for what it is.

And then get the heck out of your head!

Avoid the urge to project your feelings onto him.

Instead, deal with your dissatisfaction, unhappiness and anything else you're feeling.

Take a detour from criticism.

 

Finally . . .

complete within

EXPERIENCE THE JOURNEY WITHIN HIS PRESENCE

This next step of the process will take you deeper and lead you to the truth of your masculine urges to criticize and judge a man.

 

1. Write out your feelings. All of them, mad, glad, sad, angry, furious - whatever it is you're feeling.

Each time you start to think of anything, pay attention to how you're feeling at that moment, and write it down.

 

2. When you can't stop thinking about what he's done to trigger you, try your hardest to focus on yourself.  Go within and feel your feelings instead of being stuck in your head.

Write down exactly what you're feeling, and then focus on something else good about yourself, and something that you like to do.

 

3. Practice being in your Feminine Power every time you are with him or communicating with him.

This is simply shifting out of your head into your feelings.

 

4. Enjoy the attention from other men who are noticing and admiring you . . . even if from a distance.

Allow yourself to lean back and glow in this awareness.

 

5. Schedule A Little Quiet Time and read over all of the feelings you've written down in your journal or notebook.

Take three of your strongest feelings and put them together into a few short sentences.  What does that feel like to experience the words of such powerful feelings within you?

 

6. Keep journaling your deepest feelings, focusing on yourself and practicing leaning back into experiencing and exploring these feelings instead of criticizing or judging him.

You'll soon notice that a good type of man will feel curious about what you're experiencing.  He'll want to get closer.  He'll become intrigued. And you'll already have the feeling words to share the wondrous current of feelings stirring inside of you.

Keep turning within and sharing your warmth.

 

P.S. Remember to check your email!