Love In Your Pocket

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A Love Story Narrative . . . 

COACHING WEEK ONE

When “Jane” started coaching with me, she already had a rotation of men in place.

She dated weekly, and having an on line dating profile kept her calendar busy.

According to Jane, her issue wasn’t meeting men, it was the quality of men that she interacted with that she wanted to change.

So we worked together on a plan that would get her going different places to expose her to a new range of experiences.

Each week we would discuss her dates and the progress she was making in meeting “better quality men.”

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COACHING WEEK FOUR

One afternoon, Jane sent me an urgent email asking for a last minute session.

Jane had a “friend” who was like a fwb (friends with benefits), except he was the only guy she’d been sleeping with for about the last eight months.

We’ll call him Joe.

Jane and Joe go out to dinner at least twice a week and they stay at each other’s apartments often.

The night before, they had gone out to dinner and he spent the night at her place.

Just before falling asleep, Joe asked Jane if she was sleeping with anyone else.

Jane was comfortable with Joe, and being half-asleep, she responded “no, I’m only sleeping with you” and then drifted off to sleep in his arms.

She woke up in the morning to Joe gazing at her.  “Why am I the only person you’re sleeping with?” he asked.

Jane was too shocked to answer.  She asked if they could finish the conversation later and he agreed they would speak over dinner.

Jane wanted an emergency coaching session to put together a script of feeling messages.

She admitted that she never mentioned Joe before during our sessions since she didn’t consider him a “relationship candidate.”

She referred to Joe as her “back pocket.”

So I asked her what does it mean to her that Joe is her back pocket guy.

Jane Said “A Back Pocket is a guy who’s always available and interested in going out with you even though he knows (or should know) that you’re actively dating guys you’re more interested in.”

They’d met at a business convention last year and partnered up for most of the convention events.  

Jane was just getting out of a toxic relationship and wasn’t ready to date or start another relationship.  Joe had just recently caught his then fiancé cheating on him and wasn’t ready to date or enter another relationship.  

They nevertheless enjoyed each other’s company and agreed to stay in touch after the convention. The last day of the convention they went on an outing together and had a great time.  They ended the night together making out in her room, but decided not to have sex because they both agreed “it wouldn’t go anywhere.”  

Joe called Jane the following day as soon as he got home.   He invited her out to dinner the following evening and she agreed to go.

After 2 months of dinner dates, dancing and hanging out, Jane and Joe slept together.  Jane said it was mind-blowing sex, but that afterwards, Joe reminded her that he was not ready for a relationship and she admitted that she honestly felt the same.  They’ve continued going to dinner and sleeping together since then.

The script we put together that day was far from what Jane expected.

She wasn’t sure she wanted to share with Joe why he was the only man she slept with.

“He’s safe,” she said.

He makes her feel secure and comfortable.  She doesn’t need to put on her “dating” face.  She’s not constantly putting out feelers or watching out for red-flags.  Jane could be a girl around Joe.  She could be herself.  She didn’t feel any pressure about meeting his friends or his family.  And he was very gentle with his touch.

I then explained sexual exclusivity with her, which simply means that you sleep with only one person at any given time.  It can also be an agreement with a man that you only sleep with each other until one of you wants to sleep with someone else, which gives the other person the option not to sleep together anymore.

Jane didn’t want to know if Joe was sleeping with other women, but she knew that once she met someone she wanted to have a relationship with, she would not be sleeping with Joe anymore.

So Jane’s script read:

“I felt so dreamy and comfortable with you last night that answering your questions was easy.
I didn’t have to think, I just spoke my truth.
I felt nervous answering your questions this morning because I’ve never thought about the “why.”
I just know how I feel and I focus on my feelings when we are together.
I’m not thinking when we are together – I’m feeling.
I feel safe with you.  I can be myself and enjoy being a girl around you.
I don’t feel pressured or rushed, I just feel secure and safe.”

She didn’t want to say anymore about it, or to ever discuss sexual exclusivity with him.  Joe thanked her for sharing her feelings with him and didn’t push the conversation any further. They had a great evening together.

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COACHING WEEK EIGHT & NINE

Jane continued with the dating plan we’d put together for her and was pleased with the progress she was making in meeting more quality men.  But she soon felt that the new “quality” guys she’d met so far were no different than the rest of the guys in her rotation.  She wanted to take a break from the on line dating site and focus more on herself.  She wanted to shift to more “inner work” coaching.

My first question for her that next week was for her to describe what her current rotation of men looked like.

As I expected, she excluded Joe from her rotation.

We confirmed that he shows interest in her, that he wants to communicate with her, that he wants to spend time with her and that he wants to be intimate with her.  She agreed to consider him a part of her rotation and to practice at least one tool when she was with him – Speaking Poetry Words was her favorite and it felt good to hear Joe’s responses.

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COACHING WEEK ELEVEN

Jane was still going out on coffee dates, and if she felt a connection, she would accept a lunch date.  She was spending most of her evenings with Joe, who had started asking her out more often.  She didn’t mind.

Joe asked her to go on a weekend business trip with him and had booked her a full spa day to keep her busy on Saturday.  He’d planned a beach day for them on Sunday.  

Jane was looking forward to using her newest poetry words with Joe – he’d started responding to her by asking her “what color is that” each time she’d use a flowery feminine-feeling poetry word.  She said it made her feel pink all over each time he asked.

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COACHING WEEK TWELVE

Jane was engaged!  The ring had several gemstones within the band with a gorgeous chocolate diamond in the setting.  She called it her “poetry ring.”

The weekend had been very busy and she was glad she was at the spa all day on Saturday because Joe had meetings until sunset.  They ate at a restaurant down the beach that had a live band so they hung out there for most of the night.  They walked back up the beach to their hotel mostly in silence.  She was smiling and humming a song the band had played.  Jane said that the sex that night was off the chart.

The next morning Joe was back from his meeting before she was out of the shower.  He joined her and then they went to the beach for their lunch.

The staff had set out a table in the sand and dug a heart in the sand around it.  Once they finished lunch, they took a hike along the shore.

Of course, she was using her newest poetry words and he was asking her “what color is that” every so often.

Joe suddenly stopped walking and grabbed Jane by the hand.  He said “close your eyes and when I tell you to open them, tell me what color you feel.”  Jane giggled and closed here eyes.  She felt him slip a ring on her finger and she opened her eyes.

“What color do you feel?” he asked. The only word she could say was “beautiful.”

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COACHING WEEK FOURTEEN

This week during our session Jane pointed out that her quest for a “quality” man led her to discover that she put too much energy into an idea of who a man should be.

Jane said that paying more attention to where a man was in her rotation and how he made her feel was a better use of her energy.  That’s when she realized that Joe was in her rotation.

And when she turned her focus inward to enjoy more of her day to day moments, she began to feel satisfied with who she was and where she was in life.  She stopped looking for satisfaction to come with a quality man, and instead chose to live a quality life for herself.   This caused her to go even deeper into each juicy moment which led to more fun times, especially with Joe.

Jane admitted that the deeper she got into her “inner work,” the more Joe asked to spend time with her.  She really enjoyed talking with him, and when she started using her poetry words around him, they connected on a new level and had even more fun spending time together.

She said she felt the closeness happening, but that she didn’t want to think about it.  She didn’t want to think about anything.  She just wanted to enjoy the moment.  Those moments led to a connection with Joe that she didn’t understand, but she didn’t question it either.  She just let it happen.  That is how she found love.  It was in her pocket the whole time.

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Begin your journey to love with a 90 minute coaching session with me or join the ACADEMY for an online webinar coaching experience

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Love,

Tatia

 
 

 
 

 

 

 

 

 


 

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